


Like Venus Melting in the Morning

by Omnicat



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Church of Lemons, F/M, Lemon, Multi, Porn Satire, Wake-Up Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-21
Updated: 2014-06-21
Packaged: 2018-02-05 15:30:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1823413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Omnicat/pseuds/Omnicat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Heero and Relena watch a porno. Starring 'Relena Peacecraft, Teen Queen', and Pilot's '01' through '05'. // Written for the 2012 Church of Lemons</p>
            </blockquote>





	Like Venus Melting in the Morning

"Another package from Dorothy," Heero announced as he entered the study. "DVD-shaped."

Relena looked up from her paperwork, expression wary. "That time again?"

Dropping into the chair in front of her desk, Heero ripped away the packaging and examined the contents.

"No additional files this time. But no cover either." He frowned at the disc he held. " _Like Venus Melting in the Morning_."

"Sounds like either an arthouse or another one of those with endless silent shots of people emoting," Relena observed, and went back to her work.

"Think it's worth watching?"

"Didn't she include any kind of message?"

"No."

"Odd. Usually there's at least a post-it..." Relena said distractedly. She signed a form, put it away, and looked up. In an excellent imitation of Dorothy's voice: "'This one is clean, for a certain definition of clean. The gore is particularly artistic, and check out Mr Zero-Three's abs in the locker room scene!'"

"I'll leave it by the TV," Heero said.

Two hours later, Relena received an e-mail. From Dorothy.

 _**Subject:** _ _100% fiction, or is it...?_

 _**From:** _ _dorothy_personal_

 _**To:** _ _relena_

_I think this is my favourite so far!_

 

"Well now," Relena said.

Heero's mouth hung open. (Just a little.)

"At least this time we don't have to worry about the director knowing things he shouldn't." Relena frowned, ruining the perfect poker face she'd been sporting since the female lead, wearing only a flimsy negligee, had opened the bedroom door for the male. "Though this time I don't think I would approve if he tried to generate publicity by claiming he does anyway."

Heero's mouth still hung open.

On the screen, 'Pilot Zero One' grunted loudly every time 'Relena Peacecraft's' mouth engulfed his oversized erection. She had slipped her breasts – far bigger and perkier than the real Relena's – free from their scant confines and was kneading them like they were lumps of dough.

There seemed to be freshly baked pretzels on the menu.

"On second thought, I think the title sounds like a very flowery euphemism," Relena went on. "For 'lubricated vagina'."

Heero finally managed to regain control over his jaw. "We should turn this off. Right?"

"I..." Relena wrestled with the same morbid curiosity that had ambushed and overpowered Heero earlier. "In a minute."

"That's supposed to be you giving showy, and from the looks of it not very good, head."

"And you."

"At fifteen years old. They changed your side-braids to pigtails."

"And you."

"Just an artist's impression of the pilot of my gundam."

The 'Heero' on the screen was at least six foot five and sported a horrific, artificial shade of red hair. He was also covered in tattoos and scars, some of which were already beginning to smudge. When he had taken out his penis, he had quipped _"You didn't think a little self-destruction could keep my cock down, did you?"_

"Still counts as you," Relena said.

"Relena," Heero urged, trying not to look at the screen. "I can't claim to understand what it is that makes you want to watch all these movies that get made about us, but _this is a porno_. Dorothy's had her fun. _Look away._ "

"I can't." As if it wasn't a direct contradiction of what she'd just said, she looked over at Heero. " _Someone made a porno about us._ "

Unfortunately, it wasn't a logic he could argue against.

"Has she no gag reflex?" Heero asked several minutes later.

"Given the size of him, I should hope not."

Relena and Heero exchanged glances.

Relena grabbed the remote from the coffee table and fast forwarded through the fellatio. The actress's head bobbed like a woodpecker's. She slowed the video down again when 'Relena' speed-crawled onto the bed on all fours and 'Heero' mounted her like a dog.

Several more minutes went by, filled with the sounds of slapping flesh, exaggerated cries of pleasure, and affected grunts.

"Is this how they're going to fill an hour? The exact same movement repeated over and over again for ten minutes at a time?" Heero wondered aloud.

"No, look, a change of pace." Relena pointed. The actors switched from deep, hard, moderately paced thrusting to a more shallow, frantic rhythm.

And the real-life couple the fornicating characters were based on continued watching. Their posture was stiff, and not in the sexy way.

Another few minutes went by, and then 'Heero' pulled out with no sign or build-up and ejaculated onto 'Relena's' back. 'Relena' turned around as if nothing had happened, and they kissed in such a way that the camera could capture every writhing twist and turn of their tongues.

The screen went black.

A classroom appeared next. 'Relena' was back, this time wearing a titillatingly short variation on the Sank Kingdom Institute's school uniform, but there was a different, dark-skinned man with her. His thighs and upper arms were easily twice as thick as his calves and forearms.

" _Greetings, Pilot Zero-Two,"_ 'Relena' crooned. _"Did you come to learn about peace here in my pacifist kingdom?"_

'Zero-Two' grabbed her and pulled her to him. _"No, Princess, I've come to teach_ you _the worth of a good soldier cock."_

More sex ensued, bent over the teacher's desk.

"I don't think I approve of this development," Heero said.

"He's just an artist's interpretation of the pilot of Duo's gundam," Relena said, smirking. "Artistic licence says he could still be you."

Between one shot and the next, 'Duo' had acquired a ruler, which he began spanking 'Relena' with.

"I don't think I approve of this development," Relena echoed.

Heero fast forwarded through the spanking, through the part where 'Duo' turned 'Relena' over and the sex resumed with her legs sticking up in the air for no apparent reason, and through a close-up of her semen-adorned labia being held apart like her crotch was the mouth of a horse being inspected before a sale.

The third scene was in a forest, where a pair of moustached men leaned one arm each on a tree on opposite sides of 'Relena'. All three of them were already naked.

" _We could die at any moment, and then we'd never again get to feel your tight little cunt,"_ said the one on the right, who had '03' written on his wrist.

" _How about one last fuck, for good luck,"_ said the one on the left, who of course had '04' on his wrist.

"Did they just... rhyme?" Relena asked, flabbergasted.

'Trowa' and 'Quatre' both went to work on her fictional counterpart at the same time, and she fell silent. Until the men abandoned their first act of double penetration to switch places.

"That penis was just in her butt hole! Why is he putting it into her vagina?" Relena asked in alarm. "He hasn't even cleaned it! Or switched condoms!"

"There hasn't been a condom in the entire movie. I hope all of them are healthy. If only because _we_ are the ones who would never hear the end of it if someone found out they all gave each other the clap."

"That's cold, Heero."

"The minister of trade has a disgusting sense of humour. Until I find something to hold against him, I have no choice but to be cold."

Yet, in spite of their irrepressible urge to grimace, they continued watching.

Then the actress grabbed hold of one of the penises that had recently been in her anus, and stuck the other one into her mouth.

Relena's hands flew to her mouth, her head snapped to the side, and amidst various strangled noises, she managed to squeak "Turn it off, turn it off!"

Heero's thumb went to the fast forward button on auto-pilot. The poop-flavoured fellatio and no less unhygienic hand job went by in a blur, accompanied by a stream of disgusted muttering from the couch. It ended when both men ejaculated onto 'Relena's' face and she spread the semen across her cheeks like it was beauty cream. When the scene changed again, cutting to a cheaply opulent living room, he paused the video.

"It's safe."

"No it's not," Relena said through her fingers. "That poor woman. How do you unsee such a thing? How do you un _taste_ such a thing?"

Heero cast around for something comforting to say. "I'm sure they took precautions. It can't really have been as disgusting as it looked."

"I know there are precautions you can take to make anal sex cleaner and safer. But unless it involves boiling water and antibacterial soaps, I refuse to believe it makes you anywhere near clean enough to do _that_."

Again, not something he could argue against.

Relena cast a doubtful look at the TV. Her counterpart and what could only be 'Pilot Zero-Five' had yet to appear on the screen when Heero paused.

"You want to stop watching?" he asked.

"There's only ten more minutes left. Let's just fast forward through it. I want to be able to say I watched the whole thing when I confront Dorothy about this."

So they did.

'Wufei' was, coincidentally, as first generation L5-looking as the real Wufei, though he was hairier than all the other men combined. He also had a penchant for putting 'Relena' in strange, acrobatic positions.

The real Relena turned in place, throwing her legs over the back of the couch, and slid forward until her head rested on the carpet and she was supporting herself on her neck and shoulders. She lifted her legs and gave Heero an upside-down look.

"Whoever thought this was a pleasurable position can't have tried it for themselves."

Returning the video to normal speed (and instantly filling the room with bored-sounding moans), Heero considered. He crawled over, positioned himself between Relena's hovering legs, and gripped her thighs.

"I don't know, the man may still get something out of it." He nudged her behind with his hips experimentally. "Though even without the neck strain, this is a very awkward position."

"Is it any better when you're standing in front of me, like he's doing now?"

Heero moved around to try. Relena wobbled a little when the support of his hands fell away.

"Ow, ow, you're standing on my hair!"

"Sorry."

There was a lot of bumping and manoeuvring involved in finding a stable footing that didn't tug on Relena's hair or knocked her arms around and disrupted her balance.

"They rehearsed this," Heero said, throwing a pointedly unimpressed look over his shoulder.

"Oh, look, now they've moved on to a standing split. I can do that." Relena dropped to the floor and stretched her leg upwards until she could have licked her own shin. (It took only ten centimetres or so of helping herself along.) "But you'd have to help me up."

Heero put his hands on his hips.

Relena dropped her leg and propped herself up on her elbows. As one, they looked back toward the TV screen.

"Is it just the jeans you're wearing, or has _none_ of this aroused you?" Relena asked when the movie finally ended. "At all?"

"On the most primal level, a little," Heero confessed. "But my jeans are pretty tight. And the identity of the characters put a damper on things."

"I kept being distracted by their faces. They didn't seem to be having fun at all." She held up a hand, and Heero helped her up. Making a face, she pressed the off button on the TV and DVD player. "I'm going to take a shower. I feel dirty. Like every thought I'll have about sex from now on is soiled by the artificiality of that porno."

Thirty minutes later, Relena nestled snugly into a cocoon of blankets.

"Do you think all porn is this off-putting?" she asked, despite herself.

"I have no idea. This was the first I ever watched."

"Me too. I think we should find out."

"I would say, 'hard to believe something so many people enjoy is actually crap'," Heero offered. "But that would be a lie."

"I'm almost afraid to look at any more."

"Then don't."

"I'll ask Dorothy," Relena decided. She fell asleep with a smirk on her face.

 

Morning dawned with birdsong, flowery sweet air, and the revelation that they hadn't closed the curtains properly. Her gut told Relena that it was going to be a great day. Leaning on her elbows, she pressed kisses to a sleeping Heero's shoulder and neck until he stirred and blindly reached for her. She obliged by draping herself diagonally across his chest.

"Morning," she whispered.

"Morning," he croaked back.

Smiling into the uneven twilight of the room, she buried a hand into his thick, sleep-tousled hair and kissed what might have been the corner of his mouth. His hand travelled lower. It slipped under her shirt, then wandered down into her pyjama bottoms. With an appreciative sound rumbling in the back of her throat, Relena shifted again, opening her legs and levering herself up on her hands.

Warm, familiar fingers rubbed and squeezed her behind, moving slowly toward the front and centre. When one, then two finally slid inside, Relena was wet and eager. She rocked back onto Heero's digits, enjoyed the slow slide of them deeper and deeper into her, the way they curled to rub an extra sensitive spot inside of her. Heero grew slowly hard beneath her. Every ten seconds, she had to toss her head to keep her hair from falling into his face. And all the while, she hummed to the tune of her pleasure.

When she reached down a hand of her own and palmed Heero's erection through his pyjama bottoms, he grunted loudly – and abruptly stilled.

Relena frowned. "Heero?"

"I just sounded exactly like the guys in that porno," he said, an unmistakable note of sleep-drunk horror in his voice.

"...did you really have to remind me?"

She sat back on her knees and crossed her arms. Heero's fingers left a sticky trail across her butt and hip as he was forced to withdraw. But a moment later, she pulled her top off over her head, muttered "oh, screw it," and pressed his sticky hand to her breast while she stuck her own into his pants and began stroking him to full hardness.

Heero leaned forward, brushed her hair back, and kissed her. And that made it all better again.

A moment's separation to shed their remaining clothing, and Relena eased herself down around him. Her breath left her in a slow, deep sigh as he filled her. His hands ran up and down her sides. Then he started moving. Relena let her long hair tickle his chest as it swayed with the roll of their hips.

Heero didn't try to mask his rhythmic gasps.

There was just enough light to make out each other's features. And that was plenty enough to banish any porn star expressions from their minds.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments on older fics will ALWAYS remain welcome.


End file.
